Where Idealism Comes to Die?

I recently heard someone say this about DC, and it made me question, where, exactly, does idealism come to live?  Does idealism live in the heart of Darfur?  In the IDP camps in Sri Lanka?  In the failed state of Somalia? Or does it live inside the walls of our churches, the halls of our Christian colleges, the yards enclosed by white picket fences of our suburbs?  If these are the only places idealism can survive, maybe idealism isn't much use to us after all.  Maybe, in fact, idealism needs to die.  

Is this completely cynical and jaded?  I hope not.  I don't feel particularly cynical nor jaded, and I'd hope that after just 28 years of life, I wouldn't be either of those two things.  Is it just realistic?  I don't like using that word, either.  (1) It carries connotations of a particular political philosophy to which I certainly don't subscribe, and (2) The word seems to be used whenever you want to imply that anything other than what YOU think (being realistic, of course) is not grounded in reality.  So no, I wouldn't say cynical, jaded, or realistic, but I don't know how I feel about idealism.

Processing out loud, I made the comment to a friend about idealism maybe needing to die, and he responded in shock that I, someone in the field of peacebuilding, could feel this way.  Why shouldn't I feel this way?  What is it about supporting peace that means I must be an idealist?  I am not in the field of conflict resolution because I hope for some naive, Miss America interview answer, utopian ideal of a perfect peaceful world.  I know this is not going to happen.  I'm in this field for the opposite reason: because I see mess and brokenness and war and suffering people all around and I think, we have got to do something about this.  To me, building peace isn't about idealism; building peace is hard work.  Plain and simple.

After a year of grad school, studying the contexts of places like Mindanao, Sierra Leone, Northern Uganda, Mozambique, Northern Ireland, Afghanistan, and Nepal, I think I may have become more of a pessimist about peace.  Conflicts are incredibly complex, and peace cannot be built in a day.  Some countries have been experiencing war for 30 years, and that kind of destruction, that kind of institutionalized animosity, cannot be reversed by one intervention at one point in time.  But am I deterred by this?  No.  In fact, the awareness of the great need motivates me to contribute my part.  To work hard.  To be faithful to do what I can to help.  I don't deceive myself to think my small contribution will fix everything, but I know that it is necessary.  

In some ways, I think idealism can also be dangerous.  When ideals are dashed, disillusionment can set in, and people might be tempted to give up entirely.  What is your response when faced with overwhelming brokenness?  Do you give up, or do you jump in and tackle the problem?  I may not be an idealist, but I am not without hope.  Hope that as I am faithful to what God has called me to, and as I trust Him with the results of my obedience, together we can make things at least a little bit better.  

Thoughts swirling around in my head these days...

My blog can be quite eclectic!  Sometimes you get well thought-out and organized papers I've written for school; other times, like tonight, you get a glimpse into the unformed, inarticulate thoughts of my journal.  As raw and nascent as it is, a little of what I'm thinking about these days...

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by the messiness of the world, and left clueless as to how to proceed and feel a bit defeated in terms of the task of redemption and transformation.  So much to unpack, so much mess rolled into one.  But I've remembered that my inability to know how to 'fix' a situation does not make it hopeless.  Thank God the future of the world does not lie in my ability to see a solution.  God has been dealing with mess and sickness and complete brokenness for millennia.  He is the King of this stuff.  He knows what He's doing.  So I trust Him.  He deals with mess with such patience, gentleness, compassion, and love.  I want to learn from Him in this way.

I realize how my mind can start whizzing, problem-solving, putting together solutions that will produce the result I think is best.  It is a temptation to then pray my agenda, because of course I see so perfectly how God might work, so God, don't You see it too?  Here is my wonderful plan for how You should work in this situation!  So I try to sell God on my plan, and I get attached to my agenda, and then disappointed when things don't work out the way I envisioned.  And I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with disappointment, but I do think there's something wrong with praying my own agenda.  That's why we die to our own imaginations, desires and burdens for what we feel we should pray.  So then we can engage with God's agenda, if He can be said to have one.  My agenda is limited and short-sighted.  God's agenda is infinitely more wise and loving and caring for the people involved than my own.  So I want to die to my agenda, and get involved with God's.

I also realized that I'm often tempted to tell people, "I trust you" and "I believe in you."  But I have to stop and step back and ask myself if I really do.  Those are nice things to say, but I realized that many times when I say them, what I really mean is, "I trust you... to do what I think you should do" or, "I believe in you... to do what I think is the right thing."  And that's dangerous because what happens when they don't do what you "trusted" them to do, but something else entirely?  That's not really believing in someone.  So I have to make sure that as I say I trust people, that I truly release to God my expectations, hopes, agenda for what they will do.  I don't want "I trust you" to send a message of implicit pressure to do or say any certain thing.  I don't want people to have to carry the burden of my expectations.

I've thought about my life and ways I've messed up and made choices that probably have not put me in the best position to speak into others' lives about certain things.  On one hand, constantly thinking that way could make you live your life with way too much caution.  But it made me realize that in all my choices, I want to be obedient to follow Jesus so that I am ready and positioned in the best possible way (a way only God can position me, in which I cannot strive to position myself) to speak into others' lives when God calls upon me to do so.  I want to be always ready, always prepared--a theme of Jesus' parables.  And the way to be ready and prepared is to be daily obedient and faithful.

This reinforces the principle that a large part of daily quiet times is that they are practice for times when "the shit hits the fan", so to speak.  It reminds me of the importance of daily faithfulness, practice listening, being transformed from glory to glory for the crises.  It totally connects to the idea of being prepared.  When life happens, you aren't scrambling to get your shit together and hear God; instead, you're already on His path, His wavelength.  You've been practicing and now it's game time, race time, whatever.

So when I pray, I strive to be cognizant of the fact that I need to keep praying and keep listening until God tells me I'm done for that time, and then that I need to give the burden back to God, knowing it's not mine to carry. I'm really glad God has the task of being in control, and not me.

Contra Dancing!

Contra dancing?  I had no idea what it was 48 hours ago, either, when one of my roommates invited us to come with her on Friday night.  At first, I thought she said 'country dancing' and I thought, 'There is NO WAY I'm going country dancing with you.'  But we cleared up that misunderstanding, and we went and had a fabulous time!

So contra dancing is basically a cross between square dancing and Elizabethan Jane Austen dancing, which sounds a little strange, but what a fun new thing to try!  You stand with a partner in two lines and dance your way up or down with other pairs along the way.  Having never done it before, and missing the lesson beforehand, it was an adventure, but still a blast, or what some of the people there would probably call a 'hoot'.  There were hundreds of people in this huge ballroom at an old amusement park all dancing the night away.  I will definitely be doing it again.  Another random thing to add to my repertoire of possible Friday night activities :-)

After just one night, I am certainly not the expert, but nonetheless I have a couple tips to pass along to would-be contra dancers:

1. Do not wear heels.  Heels are great for some types of dancing, but not for the contra.
   
2. Do not drink before you go.  With all the spinning and twirling, you really don't need any other buzz to contribute to the dizziness.
   
3. There is (probably) no need to be freaked out by the questionably sketchy middle-aged men asking you to dance.  Some of them are gay, and the rest are just there for the 'love of the dance'. Probably.