Oh, the Difference 5 Years Makes

Five and a half years ago, I left home (California) for Kyrgyzstan on my 25^th birthday. On that day I did, no doubt, embark on what proved to be a grand life-changing adventure (about which you can read if you explore this blog’s archives from September 2005 - November 2007 :)). However, it’s been interesting for me to contrast how I felt leaving home on that day in September with how I felt this time around – leaving my DC home for Afghanistan.

The day I left for Kyrgyzstan I was an emotional basket case. I bawled saying goodbye to my friends and family at the airport, I bawled sitting by myself at the gate waiting to board the plane, I bawled all the way from Fresno to San Francisco reading the book of letters friends and family had written me. It felt like what I was doing was so huge, and two years seemed like such a long, incomprehensible time period. I mourned moving so far away from the people I loved most, who knew me best. I was excited, but also anxious – feeling like I was getting ready to jump off a cliff and I didn’t know what would happen once I leapt from the precipice. I knew I was definitely going to jump, but wondered what exactly I had gotten myself into, and whether or not I was really glad I had gotten myself into it!

Three days ago I left for what will no doubt be another life-changing adventure in Afghanistan, but I felt completely different. There were no tears when I boarded the plane, there was no fear or anxiety – I felt completely (and perhaps strangely!) calm and ready, as if I was doing what anyone might do on a typical May 9^th. After an overnight layover in Dubai, I took some time on the flight to Kabul to read the notes and letters people have written me over the last few months – and instead of making me cry, they made me smile and feel encouraged and empowered for the journey ahead. Rather than feeling like I am jumping off a cliff into the unknown, I feel like my feet are taking steps they were always meant to take. The way forward is still largely unknown and I expect to encounter new and bigger challenges, yet I feel at peace.

So I’ve wondered: What’s the difference? Well, five years, for starters. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong or feeling anything inappropriate when I left for Kyrgyzstan. It was a big deal. But I was younger and in a different place. Though I’d left home at different points before then, I’d always come back – Fresno was still home, so leaving was harder than it is now after having made another home for myself in DC. Though I’d traveled overseas before, it was never for more than 3 months at a time. Though I’d had some practice coming and going, I was generally used to being literally close to my closest friends and family. This time around, I have more practice and confidence in both my and my friends’ abilities to maintain those relationships across large distances. At 30, one or two years just doesn’t seem like that long anymore. I know what it’s like to live overseas, so it’s not so much of a mystery. This move to Afghanistan is just as momentous for me – if not more so – but it’s been encouraging to look back and see that I’m not the same person I was when I was 25. I have five more years of preparation and more tools to make this adventure a success – with less fear, and more peace.