Every Morning New

God could have set up the world in any number of ways, but it occurred to me recently how thankful I am that he built cycles into its design. Days & months & seasons & years. These built-in cycles carry with them the message that there are so many chances to start new and fresh--a beautiful picture of the heart of God. Things don't just go on & on forever & ever endlessly, but they start over all the time. The slate gets wiped clean and we have chances to do things differently. Thank God for fresh starts every morning.

Getting Older with Gloria

"We look older than we did a year ago."

"You're right, we do."

I love getting older with Gloria. It's now been almost 7 years since we met in 'The Cave' at ASP. Since then, our friendship has deepened over The Great North American Road Trip, several visits to Port Orchard, WA, a few visits to Fresno, a globe trotting adventure to Kyrgyzstan, countless hours of phone conversations, a visit to DC last year for my birthday, and on October 15, another visit to DC for HER birthday. It's the first time I've been able to be with Gloria on her birthday, and if it's possible, I think I love her more now than I did 2 weeks ago. Hers is a friendship I treasure more and more with time, as we grow and change and share together this journey of life. She is woven intricately into my story.

This last trip was such a sweet one. As DC succumbed to an unseasonably cold and rainy weekend, we spent countless hours curled up on the couch talking under blankets and over hot cocoa, catching each other up on life, reading journal entries, sharing our hearts. These are precious moments. 

As part of Gloria's birthday present, I spent some time stalking her friends on Facebook, asking them to write messages for her. As messages rolled in from all over the world (enough, in fact, to give her one every 10 minutes for 12 hours!), it turned out that I was perhaps just as blessed by these messages as Gloria was. I was reminded just how amazing my friend is, and how rich I am because I know her. Here is part of my own message to Gloria:

As messages came into my inbox one by one, I found myself doing what I've been trained to do as a grad student: noticing themes and patterns (I briefly considered developing a coding system for all the great things people have said about you and doing some statistical analysis to back up my qualitative impressions, but I thought that was a bit over the top :-)). So Gloria, this is what people say about you:

You are a beautiful woman who loves and trusts God with her whole heart, who is passionate about and dedicated to following Him. You are an inspiration to everyone you meet. your love and care for people, and the way you always put them before yourself is far beyond most people's capacity. You are constantly pouring into others, and so many people have been changed because of your investment. You care for the lonely and accept others without judgment. You have an impact on everyone you touch. You are kind, positive, generous and encouraging, always seeing and bringing out the best in people and inspiring them to grow and be better. You are intelligent, practical, ambitious, and a leader. And one of the things we all love most about you: you are FUN-loving and ADVENTUROUS! Gloria, there is quite simply no one in the world like you!

My dear friend, this is what people say about you, but it is what I say about you, too. THANK YOU for always listening to me and for walking with me through life without judgment. THANK YOU for being the first person I turn to when I want to process through an issue and get advice. THANK YOU for knowing me--the big things and the little things that make me feel loved. THANK YOU for being someone who always pushes me to seek and run after God with my whole heart.

Gloria, this is one of the things I admire most about you--the way you seek after God and embrace life with your whole heart. You always dive in fully to whatever is going on around you, whether that is people, events, or life lessons. Every time I talk to you, you have something to share about how God is working. God is always at work around us, and you are someone who is incredibly adept at seeing that work and joining in, wherever you are. That, my friend, is LIVING. I know sometimes you feel like you're waiting for God's ultimate plan to unfold for your life, but you are LIVING it right here and right now! You know how to LIVE under any circumstances, in any location. I believe that is really what life is about, and you, more than anyone else I know, have learned this, and continue to teach me to embrace every moment and learn every lesson and pay attention to every person, for God is continually at work and we have the privilege of joining in to further his Kingdom no matter where we are or what we're doing.

I LOVE YOU. I could not ask for a better friend in the entire world.

I hope 28 is the best year yet! To loving, and hoping, and growing into women who display God's beauty, and many more precious moments.

For those of you who don't know Gloria, I hope you get to meet her someday. I assure you, you will be richer for it!

This post actually has a dual purpose. I wanted to share about my time with Gloria and how grateful I am to have her in my life. But I also wanted to share a more specific story (which Gloria has given me permission to share) that impacted me and I think will impact you, too. On our last morning together, we were sitting on the porch drinking tea, and talking about the future. Gloria is in the midst of trying to discern what is next for her, as the current season draws to a close. She told me that when people ask her what the future looks like, she'll usually say something about international relations or serving abroad, and recently God spoke to her and said, "Gloria, either you need to do something to move yourself in that direction, or you need to change your story." And so together with God, she came up with 30 questions to think through in an ongoing conversation with Him, in order to gain perspective on what might be next. She was very clear in her understanding that these are not questions to try to figure out on her own, but to intentionally seek God about. She sent me the questions the other day, and I think they are so excellent, I wanted to share them with you all. Whether you are in a season of transition or not, I think we would all do well to think through some of these issues:

Ask God:

1. How have you made me?
2. What have you gifted me in?
3. What are my skills? What have you given me the opportunity to learn?
4. What are the things that evoke deep emotion within me? What are the times that I know I have felt your heart?
5. What opportunities have you led me in over the past 15 years?
6. What experiences/talents have you given me that would be of blessing or necessity/service to others?
7. What did you have in mind when you formed my body and breathed life into me?
8. What about my family did you desire to help shape who I am--how was my family part of your plan for my life?
9. Because of human brokenness what about my family experience do you want to redeem and lead me down a different path?
10. Are there negative thought, relational and career habits that you want to break in me?
11. What fears are keeping me from my destiny?
12. When my life is over what talents will I give an account of my stewardship of?
13. If I was an enemy spirit assigned to derail my life and bring destruction to the plans of God for me what would be my strategy?
14. What are the lies that I have given access and influence in my life?
15. Who have you put in my life that inspires me by their character and life journey?
16. What is your definition of success?
17. What are the cultural standards that I feel pressure from? What is your truth?
18. What resources have you brought across my path to help me grow?
19. If I could devote my life to a focus or direction--what would be big enough to be dependent on you for but focused enough to move forward in?
20. As I live in community--what do I observe about myself?--my personality which can only be seen in relationship.
21. What will I be disappointed about if I don't accomplish or experience before you call me home or my health cripples my life?
22. Who are the people that are part of my inner circle of influence? Would you want to make any changes to this group?
23. What would you like for me to complete to bring closure to my current season?
24. What are the practical steps of action--the baby steps you have given to move me into the next season?
25. How do finances factor into the equation? How do you want me to balance wisdom and preparation and faith and dependency upon you?
26. What books would be strategic to truly study and incorporate into my life? The ideas and issues you desire for me to be solid and articulate in.
27. How would you lead me in increasing/strengthening spiritual disciplines to enable my life to withstand the pressure and responsibilities coming in the future?--to prevent burnout and stress fractures that could destroy my life and influence and witness for you.
28. Who do you want me to encourage in their own journey of calling?
29. How does my identity as a woman enable me to better complete what you have prepared for me?
30. What areas of beauty, joy, art, freedom, creativity, spontaneity, peace and grace do you want to grow within me and release out of me?

I know this has been a long post, but I think these questions are full of wisdom and I thought they needed to be shared with the world (or at least, the readers of my blog). Take one or two and chew on them. I think we'll all be better off if we are as intentional about personal growth and transformation as Gloria is!

Love Lesson #1

Learning to hope. Learning to hurt.

Many of you know that I am on a mission this year: to learn to love. I want to be someone who loves others deeply and robustly. Needless to say, I have a ways to go in overcoming self-centeredness, but I have enrolled myself in the course and am learning from my Teacher. My first lesson in love: Learning to hope.

We all do things to protect ourselves from heartache and I think in many ways this is an important and healthy skill to learn. Proverbs tells us we need to guard our hearts because they are the wellspring of life. But I think I have gotten a little too good at this. I hate disappointment, HATE it. And I have learned that one pretty good way to avoid disappointment is not to get my hopes up. If I don't expect much, it's easier to avoid hurt.

This is one way to live, and not the worst way. But God is showing me that this is not the way of love. Love, after all, always hopes. The deepest love is susceptible to the deepest pain. God, who loves the most, in fact IS love, experiences the most pain as he watches those he loves make choices that hurt him, themselves, and others.

Working with high school students, I've seen some thrive, and some struggle, and some make bad choices and fall. I've ached as I've seen students I love walk down a path I wish I could protect them from. And I think somewhere along the way, I started hoping less for them, because then I wouldn't be so disappointed, I wouldn't hurt so much when they fell. If they did well, I could rejoice! But by not letting myself hope, I protected myself from the heartache. 

But now I'm making a choice to hope and pray the best for people. I'm going to let my heart hope, proceed with less caution, and let myself really feel the pain when life continues to be filled with brokenness. I would rather hope deeply and hurt deeply than continue to build walls around my heart that keep me from loving deeply. 

Ah, the DC Local News

Keep watching until the end and you might see someone you know!

The Roaring Twenties

Last year one of my friends told me it's 'pathetic' to throw a birthday party for yourself. This was news to me! Anyone who knows me well (or, let's face it, at all) knows that (1) I am a BIG fan of birthdays, and (2) I love throwing parties for myself. Going away parties, welcome home parties, graduation parties--any excuse for a party--but especially BIRTHDAY PARTIES!! :-)

When I turned 20, I fell prey to this ridiculous idea about throwing parties for yourself being pathetic. I decided I was a little old to be having birthday parties, so I didn't have one. And, well, it was one of my most unspectacular birthdays ever. After that I decided that birthdays are about ME and if I want to throw myself a party, I'll throw myself a party! So with my 29th birthday coming up in 2 days, I thought this would be a good chance to remember some quite excellent--if I do say so myself--birthday parties. If only I had digital pics from all of them!

21: Progressive, Mexican-themed, Fake Alcohol, Dance Party

I will admit I had some help with this one. My mom and Vickie helped me plan a party that involved sombreros, virgin margaritas, sparkling cider, root beer (it was definitely not your typical 21st birthday party), driving across town for different meal courses, and (since this was in my hip hop dancing phase, inspired by the movie Save the Last Dance) ending with my friend Alisa teaching us all a choreographed hip hop dance at Sunnyside Park. To those of you who were there and are still my friends, thank you! ;-)

22: Applebee's and Games at Jesse's House; Quincineta

I think this was the year for games at Jesse's house, so it's quite apropos. Again, I have to thank Liz Gonzales (now Garvin) for taking the lead on planning this one. Although it wasn't themed, I do remember me, Kristen, Liz, and Leslie all showing up in black shirts, completely unplanned. Then the next day, Jesse and I were in a Quincineta for our Campus Life girls. Definitely memorable!

**BEST PARTY TO DATE**

23: World Conquest & RISK Party

This one should really make the history books. What did Alexander the Great, Ghengis Khan, and Hitler all have in common? They all had a 23rd birthday, of course! Oh, and they all tried to conquer the world. This was the party I made each of my friends come dressed as a different world conquerer. The costumes were AMAZING! We had Augustus Caesar, Pinky (from Pinky and the Brain), Alexander the Great, Sauron (Lord of the Rings), Cleopatra, Ghengis Khan, Otto von Bismark, Satan, Jesus, Hitler, Stalin, Veruca Salt (Charlie & the Chocolate Factory), Darth Vader, and more! 

24: Night at the Oscars Party

Another one where I made people come dressed up, but this time in formal attire. I decorated the house with stars (my favorite!) and we even played Celebrity Jeopardy (all about me, of course!)

25: Leaving on a Jet Plane...

On my actual 25th birthday, I was crying on an airplane, beginning my Peace Corps adventure. So my party that year was combined with my goodbye party, the first of many parties held at Kristen & Joel's house! Between the note-making table, the Italian soda bar, the skits people made up about me, and the video I made of me (as several different 'reporters') interviewing myself about the Peace Corps & Kyrgyzstan, it was definitely a bash. I was so blessed by everyone who came!

26: Kyrgyz-Style

Turning 26 in Kyrgyzstan meant I had to have a real 'toy' (Kyrgyz for party, or feast). So I pulled out all the stops, set my dostorkon (table), invited my guests, and celebrated Kyrgyz style (which basically means working and cooking all day long to prepare!). My host mom made my favorite--perojkies--and I made pizza and set the table with the traditional Kyrgyz party fare: borsook, bread, cheese and sausage, cookies, candy, cake, soda, tea, etc. It was exhausting, but fun!

27: Simplicity

27 was probably one of my most low-key birthdays of the 20s. My students brought me a cake and gifts, but mostly, I celebrated in peace. The highlight was the food. I had planned the menu ahead of time and indulged in the more expensive items I couldn't afford to have on a normal basis: Chicken, roasted vegetables, potato chips & onion dip, Coca-cola, and 'roulette'--a tasty cake treat kind of like something you'd find by Hostess :-). It was a sign of the times that these simple things delighted me so much.

27.5: The Half-Assed Half Birthday Party

Most people know that I am also kind of fanatical about celebrating fraction birthdays. It's not uncommon for me to announce, on November 13th, that it is my 1/6 birthday, or on July 13 that it is my 3/4 birthday. So HALF birthdays are actually a pretty big deal! But the idea behind this one is that I'd missed my last 3 birthdays in Fresno and my 28th would be in DC, so it was a way to celebrate my birthday one last time with my California friends. And it was, well, kind of half-assed :-) But it was still tons of fun, and I think the highlight (aside from dancing to the first half of several songs with Derek and Becky) had to be the half-cake Kristen and I auspiciously found at the grocery store! They were really selling, pre-packaged HALF of a cake! Awesome!

28: Gloria, New Friends & Ethiopian Birthday

My first birthday in DC was spectacular, most notably because Gloria came to visit! We had a blast staying up late (2am was the earliest we went to bed any night of her trip), doing the Adams-Morgan Night Crawl, and dancing. On my actual birthday, I invited everyone I knew in DC out for Ethiopian food and was blessed to actually have about 15 people show up, when I had only been in the city for about 3 weeks! 

AND FINALLY... DRUMROLL PLEASE...

29: The Roaring 20s Birthday Soiree

This could very well be my best theme party yet! In honor of the LAST birthday of my magnificent 20s (and my roommate Arnila's 26th birthday, which was on the 8th), we are having a 1920s Flapper party on the 18th, during which our house will be turned into a speakeasy of the good ol' Prohibition days! Everyone is coming dressed up in 1920s attire, and we're serving cocktails and appetizers (complete with 1920s novelties such as Baby Ruth candy bars, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and Hostess Cupcakes), and we'll be playing some great 20s music! I can't wait to kick of the 30th year of my life with a fantastic party that Arnila & I are THROWING FOR OURSELVES! :-)

As I see it, birthdays are NOT the time for humility. Celebrate yourself! I know I do :-)

I Ran... I Failed.

The other day I was walking to the bus stop to go to work when I crossed paths with my bus--36 to Friendship Heights--at a red light. So I did what any car-less DC local would do: I ran. It was two blocks to my bus stop and there was a good chance I'd make it if the lights cooperated. And I did--just in time! I ran onto the bus, swiped my SmarTrip card and reveled in my victory as I caught my breath. 

Unfortunately, my victory was short-lived. My reading on mediation across cultures was rudely interrupted when, what I thought was about halfway through my commute, the bus driver announced that we had arrived at the last stop, Foggy Bottom. Whaaaat? I must have gotten on the wrong bus! I stumbled off, disoriented, not knowing exactly where I was or the best way to get to school from there, and scrambled to make it to work 10 minutes late (when I should have been 15 minutes early, had things gone as planned). My running had clearly NOT paid off.

This reminded me of the time Derek and I were trying to get to the National Harbor and we ran to catch our train, only to find out one stop later that we had gotten on the yellow line instead of the green line, and had to totally backtrack. 

All the rushing, in both these cases, actually only cost me more time in the end.

I'm not a person who likes to rush. I'm not good at jumping from one thing to the next without time to decompress and then mentally prepare. I'm not good at making quick decisions on limited information (clearly). After college, it took me two years before I set out for the Peace Corps. And after coming back from Kyrgyzstan, it was 9 months before my move to DC. I like to take my time, gather all the information, weigh decisions, and THEN move forward. Jumping quickly, well, that's just not the way I roll.

I admire people who can make fast decisions and move fast to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Of course leaps involve risks (like, for example, getting on the wrong bus or train), but I could be challenged to take a few more risks in certain areas. However, that being said, I do think there is great value in waiting, being still, and taking time to process before making big decisions. I recently read a blog post by my old youth pastor, Tim Clark, about declining opportunity for momentum in a culture that tells us: If you're not moving, you're dying. The story of Elijah tells us that God is not necessarily in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire--those big showy places we might expect him, those things that communicate loudly and powerfully. No, God is in the stillness. But if we are constantly jumping from one thing to the next, we will miss him.

For me, sometimes the challenge is the take the risk, make the jump, and not be afraid of being wrong. But I think there is also a severe problem if we are people who can't stand to be still. Because I really don't think God moves at the hyper-caffeinated American pace. I think most of the time, he's waiting for us to slow down. He wants to speak to us, but he can't do it if we're half a mile ahead of him, running after wind and earthquakes and fires.

All I know is, I'm not gonna be running after busses or trains anytime again soon.

Stuff Christian Culture Likes

Many of you have probably heard of the Stuff White People Like blog, which has cracked me up on many occasions. The other day, a friend tipped me off to the site, Stuff Christian Culture Likes, which has brought me much amusement as well. Check it out. Laugh. Cringe. Identify. 

28, You Have Been Good to Me.

It's not quite over yet, but in a couple weeks, I will turn 29 and enter the last year of my 20s. Wow! The 20s have been fantastic! So full of adventure, so rich in relationships, so many new, challenging, and rewarding experiences, so much stretching and growing. I love that no matter how much I plan, I never really know what the next year, week, or day will hold. As someone who also LOVES random lists, things I did for the first time in my life at the age of 28...

• Bought a bed
• Payed rent
• Went dancing at a gay club
• Got pulled over
• Got a traffic ticket
• Went to traffic court
• Used a security badge to get into my office at work
• Visited Florida
• Paid for glasses without vision insurance
• Went on a blind date
• Drank sangria
• Rented a car
• Met Real World cast members
• Went to a Washington Nationals baseball game
• Threw up in a taxi
  
• Ate crocodile meat
• Drank Kyrgyz vodka
• Had brunch at Cafe Lalo, the place Meg Ryan waits for Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail"
• Did an Apple Pie shot on a rooftop
• Picked someone up at Baltimore/Washington Airport
• Visited Washington National Harbor
• Went Contra-dancing
• Became a blonde
• Attended a church service at the National Cathedral
• Voted by absentee ballot
• Attended the Presidential Inauguration & Concert
• Heard Barack Obama speak live
• Lost my cell phone on a roller coaster
• Visited the Santa Cruz Mystery Spot
• Went to a sing-a-long piano bar
• Finished my first semester and year of graduate school
• Took out a renter's insurance policy
• Heard Brian McLaren speak live
• Bought a hair straightener
• Saw a drag show
• Bought something off Craigslist
• Wrote a paper longer than 20 pages
• Went to a Baltimore Symphony concert
• Got a non-California driver's license

Trivial or not, it's amazing how much NEW can happen in a year! Here's to loads more new experiences to add to my "resume" in the year ahead--the last of a decade!

An Anchor for My Soul

I am not married.

(Just in case that wasn't apparent.)

Not only am I not married, but I really am no closer to being married than I was when I was 15 and harbored (what I thought was) a secret crush on the lead trumpet player in band. Nor have I really been particularly closer at any point in the 13 year interim between then and now. Sometimes I am ok with this. Sometimes I am not. As I get older, the 'not ok' moments seem to increase in quantity and intensity. Sometimes I question myself and wonder: Am I doing something wrong? Am I not 'trying' hard enough? Sometimes I am impatient, frustrated, and angry with God for what seems like an inexplicable 'withholding' of something others seem to find quite easily. Sometimes I despair, and sometimes I trust. So I just try to trust Jesus even when I don't trust him.

I'll get back to this in a moment.

Today I reflect on three amazing things that have happened in the last week. Today marks my one year anniversary of moving to DC. I love it here. I can't fully express how much I love this city, how I have never been happier in any other place I have lived. I miss my friends and family back home, and love them deeply, but leaving them has never been easier in any of my other adventures. I love school and my program that is perfect for me. I have made good friends here. I love walking, and I love taking public transportation. I love the city at night and am filled with indescribable gratitude every time I am walking outside on a beautiful evening. I am healthier here--physically, mentally, spiritually, socially--than I have been in a long time. I could not have imagined feeling so at home in a place that is not (really) home. So today I reflect on God's goodness in bringing me to this place, in his time.

On Tuesday, Aizada arrived in America, and on Thursday, I drove up to Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania to surprise her with a visit after leaving her in the tiny village of Jon-Aryk, Talas, almost two years ago. After a long hug and several 'Kudai ai!"s (oh my god), the first thing she did was go into her new room and bring out the card I had made for her before I left, in which I had written the things Gloria & I had prayed for her. She brought it out and said, "Look, Miss Lisa!" pointing to the line that said, "Gloria and I have prayed that God will give you an opportunity to study in America." Did you just get chills? She also brought me a letter from my sweet sweet Ainura, another of my precious Kyrgyz girls, whom I love with a depth somehow different from the other girls. In the middle of the two page letter, she wrote, "Miss Lisa, maybe to this world you are only a person, but for me, you are like a world." Being with Aizada as her dream of coming to America--realized by no one else in her village--came true, and feeling Ainura's words pierce my heart caused me to reflect on God's sovereign goodness in taking me--just one person--to seven girls in a remote village in a remote region of a remote country and allowing me to bless and be blessed in a way that is having ripple effects I could not have planned, nor imagined.

On Thursday, before heading to Elizabethtown, I finished my summer internship with the Peacebuilding Team of World Vision International. Internships are basically accepted as a 'necessary evil' in this city, that hopefully will provide at least some useful learning experiences or some good networking contacts. They aren't really expected to be particularly enjoyable. I can safely say that I cannot fathom a way in which my internship could have been any better. First of all, it was full-time AND I got paid. That never happens. Secondly, I actually got to make a significant contribution to the team's work, and I loved my assignments. Thirdly, I loved the people I worked with. They were professional, smart, devoted to excellence, funny, balanced, and built confidence in me. I told my supervisor I would work with him anywhere, doing anything. Fourth, they loved me! They actually seemed sincerely and consistently impressed with my work. My supervisor told me more than once that he only wished they had a position to offer me. I told him it was ok, I don't need a job for another year ;-). Fifth, they treated me so well. The respect I was given as an intern was astounding. They treated me as a valuable team member. My last week, I was taken out to lunch, given flowers, and given an ice cream party in the office in my honor. I don't think these are normal parting gifts for interns. Sixth, my experience with the team has opened the door to keep working with the team this year, as I've decided to do my Masters Thesis on some of the team's work, and they have asked me to continue working with them as they prepare to present some of the work I did at the International Studies Association conference in February. In short, I could not have asked for a better, richer, more productive or beneficial internship experience, or even known that I could ask for something like this. So I reflect on God's goodness in bringing all these pieces together in a way I never could have imagined.

Wow. What can I be but in awe of how God has provided in ways I did not expect and opened doors I did not ask to be opened? This is what it means that the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want... I have been learning that I can trust God to take care of others, but I realized I still mostly trust myself to take care of me. Or I trust God to show me how to take care of me contingent upon the fact that I seek him and listen. Seeking and listening are good and important, but God is showing me that he is the shepherd of my soul and takes care of me on his own. He tends to me with more diligence than even I do or could. I am so thankful to be loved and cared for so well:

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance (Psalm 16:5-6).

and

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless (Psalm 84:11).

I am not married. (See, I told you I would get back to this. You didn't believe me, did you?)

 

God has made me no promises, has not told me if or when I will get married. But reflecting on these three amazing things does more for me than just make me grateful for the good things God has done in my life. It gives me hope. Hope that as God has brought me to a city I love, sent me to an unknown country to love seven girls known and loved deeply by him, and provided an internship experience that was so much more than an internship--all beyond my wildest imaginations--he can bring a man into my life in a time and way and of a caliber of which I could not even think to ask. This hope has brought me a measure of peace:

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19).

God has made me no promises. But when I get impatient and frustrated and angry that I am still single, and I can feel my soul start to float up in my chest in a frantic flurry of worry and despair, I remember God's sovereign goodness, and this hope is an anchor, weighing my soul back down to a place of rest and peace. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Ephesians 3:20)

Confessions of a Judgmental Christian

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

-Jesus

Really? 

As much as I heard this verse growing up, the subliminal (or not so subliminal) message at church was not, They will know you by your love. No, the message went something like this:

They will know you by your theology.

They will know you by your views on abortion and homosexuality.

They will know you by the fact that you don't:

  Swear

  Drink

Dance

Have Sex

Ever Seem Sad

They will know you because you go to church on Sundays.

They will know you by your smile and generally upbeat demeanor.

They will know you because you evangelize.

Essentially, they will know you because you follow the rules. And I, my friends, am very good at following rules. Following rules is easy. Follow the rules and you're 'in'; don't follow and you're 'out'. That is easy! Black and white, just the way I like it. It is also a perfect breeding ground for judgment.

Not only am I an exceptional rule-follower but I am also an extraordinary judge. Growing up in church trained me to judge. For instance, for much of my life, I could tell you, with great accuracy, who is a Christian and who is not. Based on this information, I could then discern who is going to heaven and who to hell. And as if this is not enough, I could judge quite well between the 'good' Christians, and those who were, well, 'scraping by by the skin of their teeth.' Yes, I was the master at putting people into categories, all easily deduced by whether or not they follow the rules.

The 'judgmental Christian' is a cliche in American society, and I don't mean to imply that all Christians are judgmental or that judgment is the only thing I learned from church. I am grateful for many things about the church I grew up in, but that would be the topic of many more blog posts. What I am realizing lately is just how deeply and thoroughly judgment has permeated my concept of being a Christian. I have felt it is my duty to judge. And in recent years, I have begun to see how horrible and ugly judgment is, how it destroys people, how it encourages dishonesty and inauthenticity, how it excludes people and pushes them away from God. How many times I have hurt people, cut them to the quick, and made them not want to be around me because of my judgmental words and attitude. Jesus, on the other hand, was the example of embrace, not exclusion. So how in the world have we gotten to this place?

Jesus said the road is narrow that leads to salvation. I believe it is true. But I also believe that for much of my life, even though I walked a narrow road, it wasn't necessarily the narrow road Jesus was talking about. What if the narrow road defined by rule-following, which engenders judgment, is going in a totally different direction than the narrow road on which Jesus wants to lead us? Maybe, then, the only way to find Jesus' narrow road is to broaden the road we're on.

Letting go of so many of the lines I have drawn for myself has brought confusion as I try to sort through what it all means, what it means to follow Jesus without rules. But I think I need to stop asking, 'What is the rule?' and start asking 'What does it mean to show love?' I don't want to judge anymore. It's too hard, too tiring. I can't figure it out, and I can't fix it. I just want to love, and learn to love.

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

-Paul

The New Adventures of PB&J!

Derek came to visit last weekend! Fun times were had by all; it was sad to see him go after just three short (albeit packed) days. Instead of a written account of our adventures, I thought you might like to see some videos! It's been a while since the video days... They may seem long (had to split it into two because YouTube only allows 10 minute videos), but just keep in mind that I shortened these from 50 minutes to 16! The highlights...

My Answer: Yes!

This last year when I was in school, I can't tell you how many times I turned down invitations to do things.  Often it was the nanny schedule, which usurped all my evenings, including Fridays. Just as often, if not more, it was the demands of schoolwork.  I don't have any regrets, but the simple fact is that 'No' was my answer to almost everything!

Well, now that it's summer, I get to say 'Yes'!  I'm still working full time, but evenings, weekends--it's all up for grabs!  And I have been taking advantage of it.  I get to be so much less discriminating about which activities I will choose to attend, since I have so much more time to do it all!  And I feel like I've done all sorts of random things in the last couple months: 

There was the Asian Street Festival, where I had a snow cone for the first time in years,

Contra dancing, about which you have read,

Cheese, appetizers & drinks sleepover at Jess & Joe's apartment in Vienna when Will was in town,

A visit to NYC for the weekend to visit my friend Darcy, who is interning there for the summer, and I also got to see my Peace Corps friends Chris & Jesika, who live there,

Last weekend my roommate had an extra ticket to a Baltimore Symphony performance of Final Fantasy music, so I went with her to that,

And tonight I'm going with some friends from work to my first Washington Nationals baseball game (they are playing the Braves and I'm so torn about whom to root for!)

Not to mention the happy hours, meals with old friends swinging through town, birthday parties, and dancing.  I love that when I get invited to do things, I get to accept!  And I love being able to take advantage of all the fun stuff DC has to offer.  Here's to summer, free time, and saying Yes!

With Jess & Carli at the cheese & appetizer extravaganza

With Jesika & Chris in New York

With Darcy in Times Square

2/5 of the World Vision Peacebuilding Team

Krystal & I at the Nats game

Where Idealism Comes to Die?

I recently heard someone say this about DC, and it made me question, where, exactly, does idealism come to live?  Does idealism live in the heart of Darfur?  In the IDP camps in Sri Lanka?  In the failed state of Somalia? Or does it live inside the walls of our churches, the halls of our Christian colleges, the yards enclosed by white picket fences of our suburbs?  If these are the only places idealism can survive, maybe idealism isn't much use to us after all.  Maybe, in fact, idealism needs to die.  

Is this completely cynical and jaded?  I hope not.  I don't feel particularly cynical nor jaded, and I'd hope that after just 28 years of life, I wouldn't be either of those two things.  Is it just realistic?  I don't like using that word, either.  (1) It carries connotations of a particular political philosophy to which I certainly don't subscribe, and (2) The word seems to be used whenever you want to imply that anything other than what YOU think (being realistic, of course) is not grounded in reality.  So no, I wouldn't say cynical, jaded, or realistic, but I don't know how I feel about idealism.

Processing out loud, I made the comment to a friend about idealism maybe needing to die, and he responded in shock that I, someone in the field of peacebuilding, could feel this way.  Why shouldn't I feel this way?  What is it about supporting peace that means I must be an idealist?  I am not in the field of conflict resolution because I hope for some naive, Miss America interview answer, utopian ideal of a perfect peaceful world.  I know this is not going to happen.  I'm in this field for the opposite reason: because I see mess and brokenness and war and suffering people all around and I think, we have got to do something about this.  To me, building peace isn't about idealism; building peace is hard work.  Plain and simple.

After a year of grad school, studying the contexts of places like Mindanao, Sierra Leone, Northern Uganda, Mozambique, Northern Ireland, Afghanistan, and Nepal, I think I may have become more of a pessimist about peace.  Conflicts are incredibly complex, and peace cannot be built in a day.  Some countries have been experiencing war for 30 years, and that kind of destruction, that kind of institutionalized animosity, cannot be reversed by one intervention at one point in time.  But am I deterred by this?  No.  In fact, the awareness of the great need motivates me to contribute my part.  To work hard.  To be faithful to do what I can to help.  I don't deceive myself to think my small contribution will fix everything, but I know that it is necessary.  

In some ways, I think idealism can also be dangerous.  When ideals are dashed, disillusionment can set in, and people might be tempted to give up entirely.  What is your response when faced with overwhelming brokenness?  Do you give up, or do you jump in and tackle the problem?  I may not be an idealist, but I am not without hope.  Hope that as I am faithful to what God has called me to, and as I trust Him with the results of my obedience, together we can make things at least a little bit better.  

Thoughts swirling around in my head these days...

My blog can be quite eclectic!  Sometimes you get well thought-out and organized papers I've written for school; other times, like tonight, you get a glimpse into the unformed, inarticulate thoughts of my journal.  As raw and nascent as it is, a little of what I'm thinking about these days...

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by the messiness of the world, and left clueless as to how to proceed and feel a bit defeated in terms of the task of redemption and transformation.  So much to unpack, so much mess rolled into one.  But I've remembered that my inability to know how to 'fix' a situation does not make it hopeless.  Thank God the future of the world does not lie in my ability to see a solution.  God has been dealing with mess and sickness and complete brokenness for millennia.  He is the King of this stuff.  He knows what He's doing.  So I trust Him.  He deals with mess with such patience, gentleness, compassion, and love.  I want to learn from Him in this way.

I realize how my mind can start whizzing, problem-solving, putting together solutions that will produce the result I think is best.  It is a temptation to then pray my agenda, because of course I see so perfectly how God might work, so God, don't You see it too?  Here is my wonderful plan for how You should work in this situation!  So I try to sell God on my plan, and I get attached to my agenda, and then disappointed when things don't work out the way I envisioned.  And I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with disappointment, but I do think there's something wrong with praying my own agenda.  That's why we die to our own imaginations, desires and burdens for what we feel we should pray.  So then we can engage with God's agenda, if He can be said to have one.  My agenda is limited and short-sighted.  God's agenda is infinitely more wise and loving and caring for the people involved than my own.  So I want to die to my agenda, and get involved with God's.

I also realized that I'm often tempted to tell people, "I trust you" and "I believe in you."  But I have to stop and step back and ask myself if I really do.  Those are nice things to say, but I realized that many times when I say them, what I really mean is, "I trust you... to do what I think you should do" or, "I believe in you... to do what I think is the right thing."  And that's dangerous because what happens when they don't do what you "trusted" them to do, but something else entirely?  That's not really believing in someone.  So I have to make sure that as I say I trust people, that I truly release to God my expectations, hopes, agenda for what they will do.  I don't want "I trust you" to send a message of implicit pressure to do or say any certain thing.  I don't want people to have to carry the burden of my expectations.

I've thought about my life and ways I've messed up and made choices that probably have not put me in the best position to speak into others' lives about certain things.  On one hand, constantly thinking that way could make you live your life with way too much caution.  But it made me realize that in all my choices, I want to be obedient to follow Jesus so that I am ready and positioned in the best possible way (a way only God can position me, in which I cannot strive to position myself) to speak into others' lives when God calls upon me to do so.  I want to be always ready, always prepared--a theme of Jesus' parables.  And the way to be ready and prepared is to be daily obedient and faithful.

This reinforces the principle that a large part of daily quiet times is that they are practice for times when "the shit hits the fan", so to speak.  It reminds me of the importance of daily faithfulness, practice listening, being transformed from glory to glory for the crises.  It totally connects to the idea of being prepared.  When life happens, you aren't scrambling to get your shit together and hear God; instead, you're already on His path, His wavelength.  You've been practicing and now it's game time, race time, whatever.

So when I pray, I strive to be cognizant of the fact that I need to keep praying and keep listening until God tells me I'm done for that time, and then that I need to give the burden back to God, knowing it's not mine to carry. I'm really glad God has the task of being in control, and not me.

Contra Dancing!

Contra dancing?  I had no idea what it was 48 hours ago, either, when one of my roommates invited us to come with her on Friday night.  At first, I thought she said 'country dancing' and I thought, 'There is NO WAY I'm going country dancing with you.'  But we cleared up that misunderstanding, and we went and had a fabulous time!

So contra dancing is basically a cross between square dancing and Elizabethan Jane Austen dancing, which sounds a little strange, but what a fun new thing to try!  You stand with a partner in two lines and dance your way up or down with other pairs along the way.  Having never done it before, and missing the lesson beforehand, it was an adventure, but still a blast, or what some of the people there would probably call a 'hoot'.  There were hundreds of people in this huge ballroom at an old amusement park all dancing the night away.  I will definitely be doing it again.  Another random thing to add to my repertoire of possible Friday night activities :-)

After just one night, I am certainly not the expert, but nonetheless I have a couple tips to pass along to would-be contra dancers:

1. Do not wear heels.  Heels are great for some types of dancing, but not for the contra.
   
2. Do not drink before you go.  With all the spinning and twirling, you really don't need any other buzz to contribute to the dizziness.
   
3. There is (probably) no need to be freaked out by the questionably sketchy middle-aged men asking you to dance.  Some of them are gay, and the rest are just there for the 'love of the dance'. Probably.
   

Hello Sweet Summer

It's hard to believe that a month ago today I turned in all those papers and finished my semester!  I'm certainly a bit behind on my promised summer update.  So I'll break it down into three main sections...

INTERNSHIP

In April I wrote a blog about trust, and how I was trusting God to make a way for me this summer, not knowing what it would hold in terms of an internship or a job.  Shortly after I decided to move out of my house and leave my nanny job, I was offered a full-time, paid internship at the Peacebuilding and Reconciliation department of World Vision International, an international relief and development organization.  Working 8-5 is an adjustment, but I love having my nights and weekends free.  Now two weeks into my work, I don't know if I could have found a better fit for my interests and skills.  I love my job!  First of all, it should not go unsaid that paid internships are nearly unheard of in this city.  It's such a blessing to be receiving a livable income along with my three units.  But I'm also so thankful that I'm doing an internship that allows me to make real contributions, not just serve coffee and make copies (note: I have yet to serve anyone coffee or make one photocopy).  The majority of my time is focused on supporting the Peacebuilding team's work facilitating conflict analysis workshops and updating an instability index that rates the relative instability of the 77 countries in which World Vision has offices.  The people I work with are top-notch and I'm enjoying learning from them as I experience how academic knowledge is translated into practice in a world riddled with complex problems.  

KATHY'S VISIT

One of the things I love about living in DC is that people actually come to visit me!  I've been thrilled to host Gloria and Steve this year, and to see numerous others who have come through the city for various reasons: various Peace Corps K-13s and 14s, Sarah Hawkins (McCord), Aunt Robyn, and my cousin Katelyn (and there are probably some I'm forgetting; forgive me!).  And this last week, it was my pleasure to host my Aunt Kathy!  It was such a blast to have her here, and to be able to put her up in my own place!  The timing of her visit worked out perfectly, since I am only renting this apartment for the month of May.  We had such a good time visiting, sightseeing, eating (LOTS of eating), and laughing.  I was so thankful for her generosity in paying for numerous delicious meals, Obama paraphernalia, books, groceries, and museum entrance fees.  We had so much fun sneaking food into the concert arena of Wolf Trap Park, watching a Memorial Day fireworks show to set to songs like 'Dancing Queen' and 'My Girl' (??!), traipsing around the city on foot and bus and metro, and laughing until our sides almost burst about 'Catflexing.'  I'm so glad she was able to come and spend a whole week with me!

MOVING

The short building in the middle is the apartment building I've been living in for the last month, viewed from the top of the National Cathedral.  Yes, my apartment is right across the street from this beautiful landmark, and in fact, I'm looking at it from my window as we speak!  It's been great to be here and have the apartment all to myself, but tomorrow I will say goodbye to Wisconsin Avenue and hello to my new place on the other side of town.  I'm moving into a house with a good friend from my program, Arnila, and two other girls in South East DC.  Though living alone suits my introvert proclivities well, I'm excited to have roommates again!  I'll be farther from school, but I'm looking forward to living in a more central area closer to Capitol Hill (and my internship) that doesn't feel so much like the suburbs.  I'm looking forward to living with some fun girls; I've missed having roommates over the last few years.

So that, my friends, is my overdue three-pronged update!  I give thanks to God for his goodness to me in so many ways.  He has provided everything I need and more this summer.  Smiles all around :-)    

Friends

I've been thinking lately about an aspect of true friendship for which I'm more and more grateful: Friends are favors.  Close friends are people you can call and, without any small talk, ask for help; they're the people who, when they ask you for something, your immediate response is 'of course'; friends do things for each other and don't have to be effusive about their gratitude, because that is just what friends do.  

Friends:

• take you to the airport, even at insanely early hours (sisters are friends, too).
• pick you up from the airport.
• let you wait until LOST is over to pick them up from the airport :-).
• are people you can call to look up directions for you on the internet when you're driving and lost.
• help you with your taxes.
• give you rides when you don't have a car, even when it's completely out of their way.
• take care of you when you drink too much (but of course that's never happened to me! ;-)).
• leave their house immediately to come meet you when you call in tears, no questions asked.
• pray for you when you need it.
• lend you things, like kitchen utensils and air mattresses.

Of course friends are more than just favors, but more and more I appreciate how the depth of relationship provides a platform for these simple things.  You need me?  I'm here for you.  I need you?  You're there for me.  Whether it's my taxes or my tears, I know you will give of yourself to help me.  Thanks so much friends.  

SURPRISE!... aka 'Home'

Surprising people is one of the greatest joys of my life.  That's why I was sooooo excited about three weeks ago when I decided to buy a ticket HOME.  I hadn't been planning on going home in May, but after I decided to move out of the nanny house, it was as if God put a little bug in my ear: "Lisa, why don't you go home for a few days after the semester is over?"  So I thought about it for a couple days, bought a ticket, and then didn't tell anyone besides Kristen about my trip. And it was wonderful.  I really don't think I could have found a more perfect time to be home.

When I asked Kristen if she could pick me up from the airport, her first response was excitement that I was coming, and her second response, when hearing I would arrive at 9:40pm on Wednesday, was, "Lisa, that's during LOST!"  I told her she could wait until LOST was over to come get me; I know she would have done the same for me :-).

I couldn't wait to surprise my mom and Suzanne.  With Suzanne's birthday on the 5th, Mothers' Day on the 10th, and Mom's birthday on the 14th, I split the difference but planned my trip to be able to celebrate with them.  I've missed A LOT of birthdays and A LOT of Mothers' Days and I was so glad I could make it home this year.  They were both sleeping when I arrived on Wednesday night and were quite shocked and a little disturbed to see me when I woke them from their slumber :-).  I think, "What are you doing here??" was the question of choice.

Thursday I spent the day with my bestest friend in the whole world and my 'niece' Evie, who turned 1 year old on the 4th!  So good to just BE with them--eating, talking, walking, drinking tea--as always.  And that day plans were in the works for the second big surprise of the trip.  I was legitimately so sad that I would miss Derek's graduation from FPU until I bought my ticket, and then I was fake-sad.  Hehe.  Because Thursday night, when Derek finished his last class and thesis presentation, I was sitting on his couch (thanks to Ralph!) shouting "Congratulations!" when he opened the door to his apartment.  I will say it's MUCH more fun to surprise people who are awake.  I'm pretty sure he stood in the door, mouth open, for at least 30 seconds while Ralph and I laughed.  You see, one of the greatest joys of my life :-)

Friday I spent the day with my mom, who took the day off work.  We had a huge and delicious breakfast at the Rodeo Cafe, did a little shopping, and then bought some fresh strawberries--yum!  Fresh produce is definitely one of the things I miss most about California.  That evening Suzanne and I had some quality sister-time over sushi and Bloody Marys in Tower, and then I met up with Derek, Ralph and Marky for some more drinks and a little bit of dancing across the street.  Fun times!

Saturday was the day of events!  It started at 10am with Randy & Angie's Discernment Group.  I didn't get to see them at Christmas, so I was so glad I got to be there for this AND that they decided NOT to move to Alaska!  Then it was off to a 12:45 hair appointment, which resulted in me now infamously going blond (an accident, I swear!), and then Derek's graduation!  So so glad I got to be there for this HUGE occasion!  Not to mention getting to see my pals Becky & Jen, and Derek's sister Cassy. From there it was straight to Suzanne's family birthday celebration at BC's, where I got to see my grandparents, my aunts, and Steve and Eric. And then it was off to Derek's graduation party at Plaza Ventana and the after-party at The Circle, where I got to see my girl Andi and do some shadow-box dancing. Lol.  SO MUCH FUN! :-)

Sunday was Mothers' Day, spent with Mom and Suzanne over brunch and games.  And did I mention I single-handedly assembled a patio table?  Then in the evening it was off to Grandpa Freeman's 85th birthday celebration!  Got to spend time with him, Dad, Sheila, Aunt Kathy and Clare, and Uncle Jess over Armenian food and delicious cake.  Followed by some delightful parking lot stalking with Becky & Jen.  Who would have thought the McDonald's parking lot would be such a happening place on Sunday night?

Monday was filled with people I love: coffee with Randy, afternoon with Kristen & Evie, dinner with Cass, Panera with Josh Schroeder, rounded out by Yodigity with Derek (and him pushing me around the parking lot in a Rite Aid shopping cart).  And Tuesday morning Suzanne took me to the airport and I flew home to DC.

One of the reasons I decided I'd like to have home be in the States is so I can be a part of important events and occasions.  Flying across the country may be difficult at times, but it's nothing compared to flying across the world, which is often impossible.  I'm so glad I didn't let three time zones keep me from being home last week for all the festivities.  Thanks God, for putting the bug in my ear.  And thanks friends, for making it so special!  

Done.

Well, it all starts tomorrow.  The break is over and the craziness is about to begin.  To be honest, I am a little overwhelmed.  Between three classes that will no doubt be challenging, TA work, sometimes stressful and frustrating nanny duties, a dialogue group, mediation training, figuring out what to do this summer, and starting to think about internships, I just feel like it's a bit of a mountain ahead of me and it's a little scary.  But then I remember that God's grace is sufficient for me, and that we will tackle this and come out on the other side.  I take a deep breath and remind myself not to get stressed before the stress has started.  One step, one day at a time.  Work hard, not without mistakes, do my best, give my all, trust God to carry me through.  Ok, let's do this.

-From my journal, January 13, 2009

The floods have lifted up, O Lord,

The floods have lifted up their voice,

The floods lift up their pounding waves.

More than the sounds of many waters,

Than the mighty breakers of the sea,

The Lord on high is mighty.

-Psalm 93:3-4

It's been a crazy ride, but now here I am on the other side!  This semester has been demanding and I can safely say that I've worked my a** off, but now I'm DONE with my first year of grad school.  It's hard to believe.  On one hand, it seems like it's gone by so fast, that I can't really be halfway to my masters; on the other hand, when I look back and remember just how much I've done in the last 4 months, I'm really proud.  From readings on peace processes in Uganda and Northern Ireland through group presentations on Sierra Leone and Sri Lanka to papers on culture & conflict resolution and platforms for relationship change, the work definitely didn't let up from Day 1 to the end.  But I have loved my classes and after a very intense last 3 weeks, on April 29 I turned in 50 pages of term papers and finals and I was finished!  It feels amazing to be free for four whole months!

Even though I'm thrilled to have completed my first year, I really did have a great semester. My classes and professors were excellent.  Conflict Analysis & Resolution gave me a great framework for understanding conflict dynamics and the range of available interventions. Comparative Peace Processes enriched my knowledge of specific conflicts going on in the world and all the important elements a peace process needs to address.  Though Dialogue itself wasn't my favorite class, I had a great experience in my Religion & Spirituality Dialogue group with other students on campus.  I come to the end of the year feeling more equipped--though with a healthy degree of pessimism--for the hard work of peace.  

Not only am I done with school, but I've also reached another milestone this week: completion of my nanny job!  In 20 minutes, I will put the kids to bed for the last time and my babysitting duties will be complete.  I'm so glad I decided to finish this job when the semester ended, because it brings everything to a close at the same time.  Tomorrow is moving day!  I'm moving into my friend's apartment for a month, which I will have all to myself.  What a blessing after 8 1/2 months of sharing space with a family!  Yes, it's time to move on into the next great adventure God has set up for me... Summer!  And that is another story in itself, which I will save for another post (coming soon!).

I'm happy.  I'm healthy.  I'm thankful.  I'm satisfied.  I'm proud.  I'm in the right place.  I love my life.  I'm done. :-)

 

45 pages...

...until the end of the semester.  That breaks down into two term papers and a take-home final in the next 7 days.  I'm locking myself away until then, but I promise after April 30, I will have a good update.  There's lots to tell...

Trust

"I don't know."  That's pretty much the answer I give people when they ask me what I'm doing this summer.  Not because I haven't thought about it--believe me, I have--but because there are so many pieces and I have very little control over how they will come together.  When I make decisions, I like to know all my options, set them in front of me, make pros and cons lists, get input from friends and family, and pray, of course.  Pray is last on the list, not because I don't care what God thinks or because I don't believe he is always leading and guiding me, but because I generally think God communicates to me through all those other things.  God gave me logic for a reason, so in the absence of clear direction otherwise, I'm going to use it!

But it is easy for me to come to rely on logic and reasoning and analyzing, at times almost letting God become a corollary to the decision-making process.  In this season, God is challenging me to trust him to guide me in the absence of real information upon which to base my decisions.  Because when it comes to this summer--which, I might add, is just 3 weeks away!--I have very little real information.  For a while, I was waiting to make decisions until I knew more.  Until I heard back from this organization about that internship, until I found out about that job, until I nailed down a place to stay, etc.  But a few weeks ago I realized that the information I thought I 'needed' wasn't forthcoming, and I was going to have to make some decisions without it.  That kind of decision-making is a lot scarier!  I mean, what if I make the wrong decision?  What if I choose something, and then there is no internship, no job, no place to live?  And that's when I realized, God is calling me to trust him.  To seek him for direction, and then to trust that he will show me what to do.  It's one thing to have two paths in front of me, and to choose to walk down one of them.  I mean, either way, I know there will be earth under my feet.  But to not see the path, and to take a step into the darkness in the direction I think God is leading--that involves trust.

So I have been making decisions, in the midst of waiting for calls back on internships, in the midst of not knowing if I will have a job or any kind of income, in the midst of not knowing exactly where I will live.  Decisions have had to be made, and so I have been seeking God and stepping out.  Last weekend I decided I will be moving out the house where I live and work as a nanny at the end of this month.  It was a decision between leaving this month, or waiting until the end of May, and I decided to leave when my semester ends at the end of April.  I have a place to stay for the month of May, and then another place to stay for the rest of the summer, so those pieces at least have started to come together.  What I still don't know is whether I will have an internship or a job or both or...  I am waiting for those pieces to come together and making decisions one at a time, trusting God to lead me one step after the other.  It can be a little anxiety-inducing at times, but really, I'm not worried.  What do I have to worry about? God has never given me any reason to doubt he'll always take care of me.  So all in all, I'm enjoying the adventure.  It's a mystery, and I'm just waiting to see what part God will fill me in on next.

And now introducing, in her American debut: Aizada Sadyrbaeva!

This week I received some incredible news.  Some of you may remember when I took my girls to Bishkek near the end of my Peace Corps service for the ACCELS test.  Just as a refresher, ACCELS is a highly competitive English competition that consists of three rounds of testing.  Those students who pass all three rounds (about 60 per year from Kyrgyzstan) get to come study in America for a year for free.  It's an amazing opportunity for which only 1-2 students a year in Talas qualify.  My last summer in Jon-Aryk you might recall my club girls and I studying hard to prepare for the test.  In October 2007, we all traveled to Bishkek together, and two of my students passed the first round, but did not make it any farther.

You might also recall my disappointment that my best student, Aizada, didn't pass the first round that year.  This girl is one of the brightest, most hard-working students I've ever met (Kyrgyz or American).  She studied so hard for that test, coming to English club diligently 2 hours a day, 4 days a week, and doing grammar exercises on her own at home.  Of all my students, I thought she had the best chance of passing that year, so for her chances to be cut short so quickly was quite shocking for us both.  

In my last post from Kyrgyzstan, I wrote about how proud I was of Aizada, not only for her hard work, but also for her attitude.  After finding out she hadn't passed the test, she told me she had learned an important lesson.  She was used to always coming in first, so it was good for her to know how it felt not to win.  She told me, and I quote!: "It's ok.  I won't give up.  I will try again next year.  I will show America who is Aizada!"

And show America she did!  She took the test again this past fall, passing the first AND second rounds this time.  And the incredible news I received this week was that she also passed the third round, meaning she is coming to America in August for a year!  I cannot express fully my excitement and my pride.  I talked to Aizada Monday morning and she is also bursting at the seams.  "I'm on cloud nine!" she said :-).  

It's hard for me to believe that she will be here in 5 short months.  I'm communicating with some ACCELS people to see what we can do about getting her placed in or around DC, which would be amazing!  But no matter where she is--I don't care if it's the middle of nowhere in Kansas--I will definitely go visit her and fly her out to DC at least once.  My friend Will's student Lunara also passed, so we are already planning excursions to Disneyworld and Universal Studios :-)

I wanted this so badly for Aizada, and have prayed for years now that God would make a way for her to come to the States, and now she's coming!  I'm so excited for her, for the opportunity this will be, for the doors this will open in her life, and above all, that I get to SEE her and hug her and be with her again.  When we were saying goodbye on the phone this week, she said to me, "See you soon!"  Yay for Aizada!  America, watch out!  A little bit of amazing is about to shine her light on you this August.